5 Rules of Resolving Conflicts

The most important thing to remember, is that they would not call it a problem if it didn't have a solution. Always be willing to try to fix it by talking about it together, with in the relationship and try to do it quickly. The longer you take to work it out, the more an issue escalates, the more likely you will be to bring an outside opinion in to a personal matter. 

Most problems within a relationship usually stems from selfishness, on one or both parts. Christians have an advantage because we are taught to be selfless, as everyone should be. Marriage is about dying to yourself to be able to focus solely on the needs of your spouse. When someone steps away from that, and starts looking at what they want that they are not getting, that is when conflict arises. We are able to ask God to intervene, to help us internally and externally remove any selfish thoughts, feelings, and actions. By praying together as a couple, we can listen to each other in a kind of "safe zone" where no ones is judgmental or hurtful, and we can expect that he will come to the rescue. 

But not everyone has that benefit because not everyone believes in God. 

The good news is that there are 4 simple rules to follow that almost guarantees a fair "battle"

1. Restrain Your Anger - Most people find this the most difficult, however it is the most important rule. Remember that anger is only a symptom of your underlying feelings; try to figure out what those might be. You could be feeling fearful, frustrated, tired/fatigued, or rejected; get to the root of that emotion and talk about why you might be feeling that way together. 

2. Take "Time-outs"- Even boxers get a few moments of rest between rounds, why should it be any different for you and your spouse? If you feel that uncontrollable anger rising inside you again, respectfully tell your opponent that you need to take a break. Set the problem aside for a couple of hours, but ALWAYS be ready to pick up right where you left off. Never leave a conflict unresolved. 

3. Do Not Curse & No Name Calling - There are times when you would swear that they said or did something just to push your buttons, which makes you want to throw things at them, or maybe "love tap" them with your car, and shout a colorful variety of obscenities. You know what I'm talking about. No matter what they did, never resort to using mean words because words hurt. They can cause your spouse to close themselves off to you emotionally with out even realizing it, or they can make you want to give up and abandon any further attempts of repair. When you use hurtful language, you are disrespecting your better half. Would you talk to your mother like that? I didn't think so. 

4. Resolve it Privately - By this I mean, don't argue in front of other people, especially your children. Kids have no way of knowing how serious an argument is, that makes them worry and sometimes, act out. When you argue in front of other adults, you are bound to receive advise that you neither want or need. Or worse, that other adult might take sides! Talk about an unfair fight. Keep it behind closed doors, unless you have reached a point where you absolutely need an outside, unbiased opinion.

5. Leave The Past Behind You - Though it is tempting to throw old problems and mistakes in the other person's face, it is important not to. I am not saying that you should forget about what they did and how it affected the relationship, but don't bring it up during a fresh new fight. It counts as hitting bellow the belt. If you solved it once, don't make it a problem again.

If you are still having trouble after following these rules, these bible verses might bring you some clarity, whether you are Christian or not: Isaiah 1:19 & 20, Romans 15:1-4, James 3:1 & 2, James 3:16, Isaiah 41: 1-4, Ephesians 4:31 & 32, and 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8

Good luck! Never give up!